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Friday, December 30, 2005


It's vital to me that I don't cave in to the forces of evil, or hesitate for even a second to file whatever felicitous incorrectitude catches my eye.

Reading that contrarian devil's dictionarian, Sedition, isn't enough these days.

From a Francophile UK copain, what he dubs "an important announcement" but which I dismiss as mere Frog-knock:

"As many are aware," the scurrilous tract begins, "the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Itie: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

G√ľnther Grass: The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Gnome: Bush comes 2 shove.

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change".

Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

Albion: The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".

Soon though, security levels may be raised to to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".

No Char: Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance".

1666: The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666."

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