busker

My bureaucrat mole in local government sends me extracts from actual letters sent to the Leicester Council & Housing Association:

• I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
• I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
• And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
• I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
• I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
• Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
• I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50%! have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
• The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
• Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
• Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
• I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
• The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
• Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
• I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
• Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.