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Thursday, April 28, 2005

Life thru Windows

Honestly, if I have time to squander coding this hoary old chestnut, I have time to suit up and beard The Man in his uptown office for honest employment such as will scotch this blogging lark once and for all.

But it's doing the rounds again and a new generation finds it funny so here goes:

A few months ago, I upgraded from Drinking Mates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0 which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

Whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Clean House 2005. Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch Turbo Strop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe Shoe Shop, Handbag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005; it tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself.


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