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Thursday, November 18, 2004

Grep Song

My confrères ('con-soeurs' always sounds so rude ) at Cohesia Enterprises have been too kind, keeping me au courant and saving me hours of duplicated toil with helpful aides-mémoire of the old days.

I ask them how I can repay their kindness - dinner at the Sorrento? a red-blooded movie? envelopes of unsequenced bills? - but all they ask is the lyrics of the joyous 'Grep Song', once anthem of the industry as we proclaimed the CoHee mission statement,

Client Éclat; Metrics for the Millennium!

'TanGrep' is the clever gizmo we ran to show a supplier's "entanglement" (enabling us to gauge time and effort to go into the call): ROI, 'Sincerity' of business, 'Integrity' of spending, Loyalty 'commitment', and so forth. The regular GREP expression is known to the cognoscenti and beyond my powers of simplification to explain to the less technically savvy.

The lyrics are studded with in-house jargon certain to mystify outsiders. However, the reference to Vicki Langmont is a reminder of a particularly cruel (albeit efficient and award-winning) squad captain whose team building exercises reduced strong men to tears. VL left in a blaze of glory and lucrative options and is to be glimpsed in the pages of society journals, swathed in diamonds and invariably hosted by the excessively rich and famous.

But enough waffling:
The Song:
Always Tan-grep when you're in the cuze
Drat them duplicate customer email blues
Lost my trolley says the voice at the other end
AB-trisket gonna be your friend

Always Tan-grep when you're on the phone
Sneak a peak at why the customer moans:
He got the wrong box, She's been waiting all week,
You've got the power to make it all sooo sweet

Chorus #1:

Phones phreakin', shooles stuck,
Supp chain squeezed like Jabba the Hutt
Now's the time to have some fun,
Time to call in Tan-grep 51

Always Tan-grep when you meet that girl
Your heart's a-beating, your head's in such a whirl
It's love this time, you know you'll never part:
Buddy run a badbook on your heart

Vicki Langmont, Sales Whizzette of the Year,
Here's to the 'gents who grepped and got you there
Here's to the supes and dupes and unsung leads,
All their energy, focus, care for the customer needs

Chorus #2

That Global Regular Expression
Printed on your pretty little face
Means you're never caught guessin',
Never lead a buddy on a wild goose chase.

Always Tan-Grep, etc

(Back to original verses, ad nauseam or til Linda's opens)

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